I think I need you to just let me cry, because I need to. Its because youre going to be leaving—less than a week now. It was easier to wait for you this past year because you wherent quite real. My invisible inspiration to push on. A voice on the other end. But now its so much different and being apart again seems unbarable. I am most complete next to you. I love you..
Most survivors feel alone in their experience, isolated from others, sometimes “crazy,” and frustrated. These are normal responses to an abnormal experience. The following is a general and brief description of the stages of rape trauma syndrome.
Crisis or Acute Stage - This stage occurs immediately after the assault. It may last a few days to several weeks and may return during the following years. Some of the characteristics are:
- fear - of physical injury, mutilation and death
- anxiety attacks and crying spells, mood swings and depression
- difficulty concentrating, making simple decisions, doing normal tasks
- disturbances in sleeping and eating patterns
- feeling numb, with little emotion
- poor recall of the assault or other memories
- feelings of humiliation, guilt, shame, embarrassment, self-blame, anger, confusion, powerlessness. A survivor may cry, shake or appear to be agitated and restless, or seem calm, controlled, “spacey,” or laugh hysterically, as if an assault had never occurred. All are normal responses.
Outward Adjustment Stage - This can last from a month to many years. In this stage survivors attempt to resume their normal lifestyle and put the assault behind them. Sometimes they appear to have succeeded but internal turmoil may still be affecting them in some of these ways:
- denial-attempts to block thoughts of the assault
- continued anxiety, helplessness
- withdrawal from family and friends
- deterioration of normal routine - not wanting to go out or be involved
- change in sexual behaviors, attitudes
- misdirected or self-directed anger
- depression, substance abuse, eating disorders
Integration and Resolution - The assault is no longer the central focus of the survivor’s life, however, any of the feelings of the first two stages may reappear. The return of those feelings is often due to re-stimulation of memories of the assault. This can happen several years later and cause fear and confusion. Support and reassurance can help the survivor realize that while she will never forget the assault, it is just one part of her life experience.
I really dont understand this, but now Ive cried needlessly. There is no reason I should need to be in tears. I dont do well feeling inconsequential and Im about at the end of my olympian tolerance for all this. The idea of having wasted so much time, and having opened myself to believing again only to have the door slammed in my face one more time..I should have learned by now.
A few summers ago, when I was living a scary stretch of my life, I would walk railroad tracks alot. Id pretend they could take me home, or someplace that felt like home. Dragonflys, sandhill cranes and dandelion puffs all reminded me. One day I was out walking, and I came across a dandelion. I was on a bridge over the river on those tracks, thinking of home. I closed my eyes and prayed that someday, someone would find me and walk with me the rest of the way. I prayed for someone I was meant for, a good and genuine person. And when I blew on the dandelion all the seeds flew off into the wind. I imagined one of those seeds landing on your shoulder. And maybe, the wind finally braught you back to me.
Anonymous
